Grocery Store Menagerie

Note to self: Never buy your body wash in the same fragrance as your baby wipes.

For months, I thought I was suffering from PTSD. Every time I got a whiff of my clean scent, I'd start looking around for a poopy bottom. Then the shakes would start.

I can't imagine why they would make baby wipes that smell like cucumbers and green tea....except to forever ruin the smell of cucumbers and green tea for an entire generation of parents.

And of course that's the only kind they sell in bulk at Costco. Which means we're stuck with it. Heaven knows I love that place, but they have a serious lack of selection. Then again, if a sixty acre store isn't enough to contain everything I desire, well...maybe I shouldn't be so selective.

Okay, sixty acres might be an exaggeration, but still...I get shin-splints just looking at that building.

I suppose I could try shopping at a normal grocery store. You know, the kind that force you to provide all kinds of personal information just to get the sale price - which really isn't a sale at all since they just inflate the regular price to compensate?

But it's not the invasion of privacy that bothers me. Why should it, when I simply make up the information on the spot? (If they looked closely, they might question someone that lives at 555 Notachance Ave.) No, what bothers me is that I always lose the stupid cards...and then, when they offer to search by my name or phone number, I can never remember what phony information I used.

The cashier gives me an odd look as I stand there, sweating and tugging at my collar while I try to think of my own name.

Ten minutes later, they sigh and scan a card that had been sitting beside the register the whole time. Which is really just insulting. Here, they make you feel special...they call you things like "V.I.P" and "Preferred"...and just when you start to believe them, they go and pull out the Rifraff Card.

Apparently, even the commoners get the sale prices.

But, as bad as all that is, the SINGLE worst thing about regular grocery stores is the Couponers. You know the type. The uber-organized freakos with enough time on their hands to clip the same coupons from a dozen papers and stack them neatly on top of each product on the conveyor belt.

Not that they're bad people. Some of my best friends are Couponers! I just wouldn't want to be stuck behind them in line. Or between them and a newspaper.

One of my couponing friends likes to brag to me about her savings. She calls me up, more excited than the day her first child was born, and hysterically gushes about the sixty-two packages of dried onion mix she got for eight dollars. I'm sure there's a method to her madness...it only seems random.

And then there's the whole: "I spent twenty-six dollars and saved TWO-HUNDRED!!"

Really? In that case, I've got a bridge you might be interested in buying...

Now before this particular friend kills me, I will concede that she (probably) does save a lot of money through her couponing efforts. And good for her! But I just don't think it's for me. Mainly because coupon clipping/organizing would seriously cut into my sitting-around time and, well, that's just not happening.

So Chris and I compromise on Wal-mart. They do price matching. Which means no stacks of coupons and no clever aliases. All you need is the ad for the competing price. Which, of course, we forget every time.

Fortunately, most of the cashiers at Wal-mart are lonely, middle-aged women so I usually hide around the corner and send Chris in to pay. All he has to do is LOOK at these ladies and they're reaching behind the register to pull out all the competitor's ads. Yes, apparently they have Rifraff Ads. Is nothing sacred???!!!

Then they go through the entire collection and identify any products he's purchasing that can be matched. Or they give him the inside scoop on when things will be going on sale. Basically, they fall all over themselves to help him out.

My dear, naive husband is convinced it's just their stellar customer service. I give him a disbelieving look...

"What?"

"It's Wal-mart, Honey."

"Yeah, so?"

"You don't get customer service at six bucks an hour."

"Well, they're always really nice to me."

"Exactly."

I've been through the Wal-mart checkout lines more times than I care to count and never ONCE has the cashier voluntarily produced money saving ads. I've even tried dragging my cranky children along and tearing my clothes a little to incite pity.....nothing.

Chris bats his eyes and suddenly every female in a ten mile radius wants to help him out. (example: He recently rear-ended a woman at a red light and she tried to talk the cop out of giving him a ticket!)

I try not to let it bother me since it ultimately saves us money. But since I usually end up doing most of the grocery shopping alone, it doesn't help much.

Which brings us back to Costco. The lesser of the evils.

So I guess I'll just have to learn to live with the PTSD. Perhaps I can seek therapy?

It's a little expensive, but maybe if I send Chris in to make the appointment.....


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